I’m fully aware that my blog could easily become a highlight reel of my life. However, I try to be as real as I can with what I post. Today is one of those real posts that isn’t flowers and rainbows like my normal posts or Saturday Snaps, for that matter.
To cut right to it, this week was…abnormal. I started off tired and then I got sick. There were other things going on in my brain that just added to the abnormality of the week. Yesterday, I realized I hadn’t taken a single photo this week, so I quickly snapped this one while I was downtown.
There is something about cities that is lonely. How you can be surrounded by massive buildings and tons of people, yet feel totally isolated and unknown. This week, I’ve just felt like I’m constantly walking around a city and I can’t shake the pressure of this cocktail of feelings on my chest. I’m going through the motions of life or, while we’re on the city metaphor, walking when it’s my turn at the cross walk. I’m getting from point A to point B, but on autopilot…like I’ve taken the same route so many times that I don’t have to think about where I’m going.
The places where my soul feels void is where it aches the most. But, in strange and rare times of this soul aching, God walks with me around this metaphorical city. He’s in my hopes, dreams, fears, questions and insecurities. When I feel unknown, He knows me better than anyone ever could. He’s been in the darkest parts of my aching soul and still delights in my worship of Him–which could increase tenfold if I replaced worrying with worship.
I wish there was a magical formula to share with you for getting out of a funk like this so that I could wrap this post up with a happy ending. I don’t have a magic formula or a wand. My only silver lining is that I have a tried and true God. His love and goodness is not a flash in the pan and doesn’t depend on anything I could do or pray. Our relationship has endured many years of hills and valleys, and it will once again endure. Forcing myself to come to Him instead of being pulled by my flesh into sadness will not be in vain. He will show up and He will mend what is broken.
I say this often when I talk about Christ: My favorite image of Jesus is when He is referred to as a shepherd. He guards and protects His flock fiercely, but if a sheep gets away from the group, He will go after that one sheep and bring them back. There is nothing more beautiful and moving than realizing that God isn’t going to leave without you. I know He’s not going to leave me here in this sadness.
Lord, bring me back.
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Holly Hoehner has her bachelor’s degree in public relations from the University of Oklahoma. She considers herself more of a Russell Westbrook than a Kevin Durant and enjoys learning about and participating in the digital age, blogging about anything that comes to her mind and creating witty Instagram captions. Holly was raised a die-hard Sooner fan in Edmond, OK.